I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
