So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
