My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
