Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
