ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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