Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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