She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
