Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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