You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
