She's JV to your varsity
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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