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Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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