I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
