so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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