That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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