he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
