It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
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I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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