just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
