No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
