I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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