You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
