Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
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he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
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I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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