You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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