and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
