it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
