new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
