summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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