What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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