He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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