I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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