i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
