you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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