first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
