Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Are my feet made of real feet?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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