I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
