I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
