The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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