my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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