What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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