I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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