sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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