I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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