it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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