Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
