gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
