That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
me + whiskey = a bad person
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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