So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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