i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
