I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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