The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
