Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
