mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
