Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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