Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
