we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
