mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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