Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
