Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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