hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
